Friday, March 11, 2005
Tossin' & Turnin'
I am the queen of sleep. I can actually be asleep within 4.5 seconds of my head hitting the pillow and even if I wake up in the night I can go right back to sleep. So when I have a tossing and turning kind of night it is an event. Part of the unrest is due to the unease about the job. I wonder sometimes why I think I always have to do something. This cycle will come and go. If I didn’t make any money at all for the next three years I would still be way ahead of where I was in my previous job. And I know, it is not all about money (but really, would we work without it?), I love my job. I have never had a job that gives me the flexibility and autonomy that this one does. I think my “all or nothing” personality gets in the way and I feel like if I am not busy, busy, busy then I must be looking for something to do.
This can be a real interesting year. Maybe I can devote some time to other things that I have wanted to do; which brings me to the second reason I couldn’t get back to sleep. I am trying to figure out what that one burning desire is in my life that will make it complete. (thanks fireguy!) I know that it is going to be something related to writing. But I just don’t think I can do serious writing as a hobby. I think that for me it would take more time and possibly more energy than I can devote to it as a part time venture. I have ideas; I have moments of verbosity that overwhelm me. But I have never been able to channel it into an extended writing period. The second part of that equation is would it bring me closer to God or would it glorify Him? If not, then truly it is not a venture I should pursue. I read Clarissa’s blog yesterday where she spoke of doing the things she loves to do and how it has blessed her life. I want that, but I don’t really know what it is for me. Yes I know I said I love my job, but truly the work is not what I love, it is the freedom.
So these are the thoughts that are racing through my mind at 2:00 this morning. That combined with my faith questions of yesterday. I appreciate Betty and Jenni’s thoughts on my dilemma and I think Betty is right, we don’t control near as much as we like to think that we do, but for me if I don’t live life on purpose, if I don’t continually question and push myself, I will just coast, and I don’t want to coast! I want to truly enjoy what life I have to live on this earth. I want to make a difference in the kingdom, and I want to feel that I have reached my potential when my life starts to fade away. Not to bring glory to me, but to reveal the glorious creation that I am.
***For some reason I cannot post comments to anyone else's blog! As soon as this is fixed I'll hop over to fireguy with my answers. This is so frustrating, I am sure you all want to hear what I think about what you are posting...***
This can be a real interesting year. Maybe I can devote some time to other things that I have wanted to do; which brings me to the second reason I couldn’t get back to sleep. I am trying to figure out what that one burning desire is in my life that will make it complete. (thanks fireguy!) I know that it is going to be something related to writing. But I just don’t think I can do serious writing as a hobby. I think that for me it would take more time and possibly more energy than I can devote to it as a part time venture. I have ideas; I have moments of verbosity that overwhelm me. But I have never been able to channel it into an extended writing period. The second part of that equation is would it bring me closer to God or would it glorify Him? If not, then truly it is not a venture I should pursue. I read Clarissa’s blog yesterday where she spoke of doing the things she loves to do and how it has blessed her life. I want that, but I don’t really know what it is for me. Yes I know I said I love my job, but truly the work is not what I love, it is the freedom.
So these are the thoughts that are racing through my mind at 2:00 this morning. That combined with my faith questions of yesterday. I appreciate Betty and Jenni’s thoughts on my dilemma and I think Betty is right, we don’t control near as much as we like to think that we do, but for me if I don’t live life on purpose, if I don’t continually question and push myself, I will just coast, and I don’t want to coast! I want to truly enjoy what life I have to live on this earth. I want to make a difference in the kingdom, and I want to feel that I have reached my potential when my life starts to fade away. Not to bring glory to me, but to reveal the glorious creation that I am.
***For some reason I cannot post comments to anyone else's blog! As soon as this is fixed I'll hop over to fireguy with my answers. This is so frustrating, I am sure you all want to hear what I think about what you are posting...***
Comments:
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I understand completely. Writing is one of those things that you need peace and time to do and it's hard to get motivated and creative when you've got a job to deal with. I also understand the sense of responsibility to use the gifts that God has given us - the whole parable of the talents thing. Good luck - with prayer, you'll figure it out.
Comments are back!
Hey...I've been reading...just wanted to let you know I've enjoyed. I had comments...but when I couldn't post them I forgot what they were. If they come back to me I'll return!
Hey...I've been reading...just wanted to let you know I've enjoyed. I had comments...but when I couldn't post them I forgot what they were. If they come back to me I'll return!
I second jd's comment....had thoughts earlier, but couldn't post any comments and now I can't remember! Must be that I'm getting old....
I tried to post comments last night and they aren't here now. First, I am jealous, because of late, I am an insominiac. Second, I think you are a great writer--and I think those ocean waves crashing on a beach might be a good place to write! Third, your blog sent me into a real tizzy--I thought about it all yesterday afternoon. I ended up blogging about it--but I am still thinking this morning...JB
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