Joyful Transformation

I have one of those jobs that you can never really leave. While at the beach I got several calls about some closings that were going on in my abscence. There was one that I had scheduled to close on Thursday and the guy decided he wouldn't buy the house after all. Well my boss wasn't happy and he made sure that I wasn't happy either. I had to call the customer while at the beach and tell him that he was still responsible to pay for the appraisal. Now this whole issue wouldn't be such a big deal but I have been working on this since the first of May and it was ready to close by then end of May. It was his working out issues on his part that was the delay. My point being I had jumped through several hoops to get this loan ready to close and the last time I talked to him, all was well.

Well I called the guy from my beach chair, and I let him have it. I talked to him the way I have wanted to talk to a lot of customers before, but have never had the nerve. I don't know what got into me, if it was the fact that he was interrupting my vacation, or that I felt safe being 300 miles away, but whatever it was, I let him have it.... and it felt good!! That part bothers me. It felt so good to just say what was really on my mind. I usually worry so much what people will think about me that I never get real blunt. I hope that this is not so new turning point in my life and I am going to start being harder on people. I really don't think that will be the case, but it does bother me that I enjoyed it so much. I will have to keep a close eye on myself in the coming weeks.

Was it as special as I thought it would be? YES.
Was it as pretty as I remembered it to be? YES.
Did I relax as much as I needed to? MORE.
Would I go back tomorrow? You Betcha.
Was going with a good friend a strain on the friendship? NOPE

Terri and I had a great time. We rested, we vegged out, we ate good (we counted points two meals per day) we walked and talked and giggled and read and watched the race and just had a great time. Real life is going to be hard to go back to, but at least I am recharged.

Did I mention I am going to the beach? Leaving early in the morning, staying till Sunday. Absolutely cannot wait!! I talked before about having that place where you go to think and reconnect with God; well the beach is the ultimate for me. I can’t usually go more than 2 or 3 times a year, but I love it. When I can get off by myself with no noise other than the breaking waves, I am still enough to listen. When the sun sets majestically over this body of water, my heart sings, because I can “see” that my redeemer truly does live. I will miss reading of your lives and thoughts for the next few days as well as miss sharing my meanderings with you, but did I mention; I AM GOING TO THE BEACH!!!

This is one of those days I am not sure that I have anything to say. There is a lot on my heart but I am not sure I have words to express it. My life is so blessed in so many ways, I have a great family, a good job, a very nice place to live and good health. God has blessed me with enough intellect to make me dangerous, yet not enough to make me cocky. Sometimes I think I over-think things. I want things to be a certain way to have certain results from events and when that does not occur I analyze and re-analyze what the possible culprits were. Most of this is meaningless. Things happen, hearts aren’t open, people aren’t on the same page.

My brother is still struggling with the potential split in his church family in Italy. Peace is such a blessing. Yet there are times when I leave my Church family wanting more. This is probably more a failing in me than in the family, yet it is there. I feel very petty when my brother e-mails me with real problems in his church, yet I can’t deny that the feeling is there. Perhaps the discontent comes with knowing what is out there, knowing the way that worship is done where you experience it with your whole being including your emotions. I have a wonderful church family and I love them all, I truly do. But, there is a longing inside of me for more. I can’t put a name to it, I can’t even describe it, but I know what it is. I pray that God will help me work on my heart where I can feel His presence no matter where I am, where I can worship Him with my spirit, knowing that He wants so much more from me than what I do on Sunday morning. He wants my life, and I try so hard to give it all to Him, I just can’t completely let go. God, help me let go

There is a reason we look forward to the weekend. It is called a day of doing what you want to do! A day of having fun. Yesterday was such a day for me. It started with three hours of playing tennis. Except for one embarrassing fall that was a blast. Fortunately I landed on my left hip with the fall and this area is well padded to absorb the shock of the asphalt, concrete, whatever.

After tennis and a shower we took my daughter and son-in-law to eat at the steak house in Moulton Alabama. We had lively conversation, good food and a great time. When we got home I jumped back into my book and polished it off before I went to bed, today I will begin Book #6 in the Stephanie Plum- Bounty Hunter series.

Around 7:00 p.m. I told my husband we needed to go to Wal-Mart and go see the baby. He wondered why we needed to go to Wal-Mart first and I told him we needed to buy the baby a toy!! We called, they were glad for us to come and just wanted us to bring them some Chick-Fil-A. Matthew was so cute, but I don't think he really appreciated the rattle with bells and other noises quite yet... it won't be long.

I came home and did a final run through of my lesson for today on Worrying. Generally I feel like this is one topic I qualify to teach more than others. I am not a big worrier. But after my awful Thursday experiencing every emotion known to man (well almost) I realized worry was in there somewhere. So, I will apply this lesson to myself and hope that I can relay some thoughts that will help others deal with this miserable killer of joy.

Now I must be off to prepare to meet my Church family and worship God. I KNOW today will be great, because HE will be in our presence. Hope you all are with Him too!!

My brother is in the air-force. He is currently stationed in Italy. His wife is an Italian and so they are worshipping with the Italian Church. He has learned enough Italian that he occasionally teaches a class and has preached on occasion. There is also an English Church on base, he has attended there some but the church split a few years ago. There are problems again and he fears another split is inevitable. His words to me were

"Pray for us this will be the second time if our brothers don’t listen to the congregation we will have another split and the first one has left marks on me for the rest of my life. A second one could close some of us down completely. Satan is cruel and we should never give him a foot hold because his foot will land on our heart. "

Please pray for my brother and their church. We will appreciate it.

Yesterday was one of those days that was so packed to remember it causes me a headache. My daughter was having a minor one day surgery, but I had to have her there at 10:30. I got up early and came to work and got as much done as I could. I knew she would need me to drive her home so I wasn't sure I would make it back. I had four closings to get ready for and several files to get out to the underwriters. Of course we were at the hospital for about four hours and I must ask you, how do people survive these kind of waits without reading? I was having a great time with a great book. But alas, my husband and daughter were not, so I had to put my book down and try and entertain. My daughter is such an easy target, she thinks I am funny, which of course makes her one of my favorite people. I had her laughing till tears ran down her face, just telling about the constant noises a man was making at a board meeting I attended this week (chomping ice, squeaking a pen). She thought what was funny was my reaction to him, go figure, I was truly annoyed. Well I got her home and stayed with her until her husband got there and then came back to work around 4:00.

I cleaned up some disasters and then started working to add to my scavenger hunt, to present it to our ladies at our Goofy Gals Game Night we were having. Then I had to run to the grocery store and get food for said GGG night and get to the church building to set up. While at the grocery store I noticed a man standing outside the store that had long hair in a pony tail. Noticed might be too strong a word, I walked past him; then I realized, I didn't look at him... I didn't want to, but Jesus would have. Then I realized I hadn't really looked at anybody when I was in the grocery store.... I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE!! This thought really scared me about myself. What is wrong with me, am I so self absorbed running off to do my "church" activity that I can't even see people? Evidently. In the midst of all my activity last night, I came to a conclusion, I am way too busy being busy! And I AM going to change. What I am doing is not serving in the way I want to serve. I will complete my term as head of this WWF or Ladies night out and then I will find a better way to serve, to serve more one on one. I have lost my love for people, for everyday ordinary people. I run around trying to find service projects for us to do as a group and I walk right by people!! What am I doing???

Well, back to my night before my epiphany. As part of our service project for the night we were fixing goody baskets to take to the local police and sheriff's departments. We went to deliver those around 7:15. Do you know that there are not many people at the police station at this time of night? As a matter of fact they are locked up tighter than a drum. The only way to see a real policeman was to go the jail.... so we did. While there they gave us the combination to the lock on the other building where we could take our goodies and leave them in the break room. Well, we kinda of pretended we were Charlies Angel's or something as we crept into the building and up the stairs. The scary part is we didn't see anyone while there. When we left there we went to the county jail. Now the part where we were had monitors of the actual jail part. This was the saddest thing I have ever seen. I always thought I wanted to be a private eye or something when I grow up, but I don't want to see this kind of thing. Creeping up those stairs and pretending was great fun. Seeing the aftermath of crime and criminals was truly an eye-opening experience.

The best part of the night was my son called and told me to come by and see them before I went home. I want to go all the time but it is so special when he ask me to come. I got to hold and change my baby before going home to watch some more AMERICAN GOLD MEDALS being won!!!! I am pretty sure I was doing gymnastics in my sleep because I woke myself up throwing my arm up!

The good, the bad, the silly, the sad.... Such are the days of our lives.

Last night Terri and I were responsible for games at Wednesday Camp. This is our once a week version of VBS. The kids have a great time while learning bible and life lessons. I cooked up a scavenger hunt for our older kids (9 to 10 years old). They would draw a clue, which would direct them to the Bible or a song book where they would find the answer and then they had to find the item, (stones, sticks, feathers, etc.) The kids loved it. I heard one of the girls say "I LOVE this game". There is NO greater reward for work than praise. I put the game together including a trip to Wal Mart for the items that would not be in the church yard (crowns, lights, hearts, stars) and set it all up in about an hour and a half. They only got to play for about 15 minutes, but it was time well spent. What they didn't realize is that they were looking up passages of scripture in the Bible, even using the index to find books like Jonah and were still having a great time. The girls won by the way, but it was a very, very close race. No gold medals, no standing on a podium but eternal truths that will give them the ultimate glory!

Are you watching the Olympics? Even when you know what the outcome is there are some events you have to watch. (Like ladies gymnastics even when you know you have to get up at 5:00 a.m. to go to the gym!!) I wonder about how it feels to put yourself in the lime-light representing your country. How does it feel to train day in and day out for 4 plus years, to sacrifice your personal life, foods you like, the joy of just being a teenager to perform in the Olympics. What does it feel like to know you messed up but that you tried your best and everyone is on your back because you messed up a couple of times. I felt for Carly Patterson. See, I mess up everyday, fortunately the world is not watching me. I let my team down, (family, friends, co-workers) yet no one writes about it in the press. Can you imagine that anyone felt worse than she did when she did not perform perfectly? I always liked ABC’s coverage when they would say oh so dramatically “The thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat”. How would we fare if all of our failings were lived out in public? Would we be able to get up and do our best on our next performance? I don’t think I would. Yes, Carly could have done better on the vault and the bars, but she came back and she performed beautifully on the floor exercise.

Redemption. What a great word. What a great promise. No matter how many times we fail, if we keep on keeping on, our God will help us to win the ultimate victory. Not a medal of gold, but streets of gold and a CROWN of life! What a great God, what a great promise.

Have you ever doubted the presence of God in your life? Sometimes, I throw up prayers without actually expecting an answer... I suppose that it is a big lack of faith on my part. The mortgage business has really slowed down. I work on full commission so I kind of like the break, I can take more time off without feeling guilty, play more tennis things like that....yeah right! I feel like I HAVE to be here. All those years of working on salary have warped my phyche.

Recently I have been telling God that I just need a few loans, enough to pay the bills, enough to keep me from having to think about any other job (I truly love this one). Well as usual, God's blessings are much greater than all I could ask or imagine. I have been so busy the last two days I have not got to read hardly any blogs let alone blog myself. I did have this small break this afternoon so I thought it a great time to say...

Thank you God! Thank you for taking better care of me than I could ever do myself. Forgive me when I have doubts, and forgive me when I forget to give You credit for all that is good in my life.

Yesterday was Matthew's first trip to church. It was so wonderful to have them there. I just have to be careful about paying too much attention to the baby, because my baby girl sometimes is a little jealous. After all she has been my baby for almost 21 years now! She really is great around the baby and is crazy about him as we all are, but she truly does like to have my attention. I don't know if I have some failing in the demonstrating love department or what, because I love her so much it hurts. She has been the joy in my life for the last 21 years. She laughs (giggles) and lights up a whole room. She has always done this. She was a little more accident prone than her brother, and having an older brother had a lot to do with this. They were climbing up on the rail of the deck to get snow and she fell off and hit her face, knocked out her front teeth (age 6). They were spying on the neighbors over the barbed wire fence, she fell off and ripped her legs open on the barbed wire (age 5). They were driving to school he flipped the jeep her hand got caught under the row bar with the jeep upside down. She had many surgeries and still has only limited use of her hand. The back was reconstructed and looks like it has been burned. He escaped unharmed. (Age 13). I guess maybe she has a right to think that he always got off a little easier. But truly, while children are never the same you love them with all you have. It is just demonstrated different with each child.

I wonder if we think about God this way sometimes. Do I think, "how could He love me?, I am not good, I am especially not as good as His other children". I do. I know that I let Him down so often, I wonder why He hasn't given up on me. But I think being a parent helps me with this concept. My children are normal. They have made their share of mistakes, they have dissappointed me, they have let me down. But I truly don't remember it unless I make myself. I love them, I will always be here for them all I ask is for them to let me help them. Hmmmmm, How much more does God want us to let Him help us????

By the way if you want to see the family after church click here.
Or to see him smile click here.

Wednesday evening I dropped by to see my grandson after church. He was sleeping but my son met me at the door with him in his arms, to let me hold him. I said "You are not supposed to pick up a sleeping baby" to which he replied "Who made that rule?" As I sat there holding this sweet bundle of joy I decided he was right, that is a dumb rule.

Then I wondered, do we accept some "rules" without ever questioning why they were made? We had a rule at my house growing up that you had to eat dinner at the table, and you had to "ask" to be excused before you could leave the table. Those rules never worked at my house. We ate on TV trays or wherever and sometimes in shifts, so there was no one to ask to be excused. I know that there are things we MUST do, things that are not rules but commands, but there are a lot of other things that made sense at one time but don't make sense anymore (I am thinking of Sunday night preaching service.)

Asking "why" has never been a real problem for me. In the fifth grade my teacher was so frustrated that I kept asking him "why" that he made me write as many "why's" as I could fit on a page front and back. This didn't really stop me. (Silly teachers, I loved to write). I have frustrated many co-workers when I was learning a new job because I wanted to know why we did things, it was never enough to know how. Yet there are things in life I don't question, I just accept as a rule. Like picking up that sweet baby.

I pray that God will help me to know when to say Why and to never try to force rules that He didn't make on myself or on others.

Have a great weekend.

I don't know why, but I have to put my user name and password in 7 times to log on to Blogger, then I have to enter it one more time to post. Does anyone know WHY???

Last night I had a tennis lesson and we tried to set up a situation that comes up in a game that I have been having problems with. We really needed a third person to make this drill work, but we had no one. So my instuctor (this is why I pay him) thought of using the ball machine. He played against the machine and I worked to "make" the shot I had been struggling with. Clever, and it was just what I needed to work on the most.

This morning as I was sharing in some of your lives, your frustrations, your problems and even in your joys, I wonder if this is a bit like practice, somewhat of a lesson. We can't always take what we talk about out in the real world and hope to be heard. What are some ways we can simulate the problems that come up in our lives and "practice" doing the right thing? I don't know the answer to that, not even one answer as I sit here this morning; but I like the concept. If I come up with anything I will let you know.

Sometimes, when the weight of the world crashes is on me I need somewhere where I can go to think, to clear my head. I just have to talk to Donna and see what is going on with her. I sometimes get in a funk and can't figure out why. I can't think in my car, I might wreck; I can't think in my house, my husband will want to talk or have the T.V. on; but I do have my refuge. I am fortunate to live on a lake and own a Sea-Doo. When I am troubled I can jump on and ride to a part of the lake that is quiet and serene and just think. I can pray and meditate and usually figure out what is at the bottom of the turmoil inside me.

So I was wondering, do you have such a place? Where do you go to talk to YOU?

A cold front has moved in. We are having unseasonably cool mornings and evenings. Such weather brings with it waves of nostalgia. This morning before day break I was remembering a summer morning around 3:00 a.m. when me and two of my friends were out walking. I guess we were around 14 or 15, I know we were not driving yet or we would be too cool to walk anywhere. Truth be told, we had no business being out of the house at this time of night, (I am sure we snuck out) but it was such a great time. The crickets and frogs singing away, the certain smell of things that is only there in the cool of the night, the anticipation that daylight was coming, even the knowing we were doing something we shouldn’t and the sheer exhaustion of staying up this long. All of these things made this evening so special. We were not bad kids. We just wanted to stretch ourselves, push at the edges of our boundaries and see what we could get away with. We giggled a lot the way teenage girls do and although we did nothing special this night is one of my special memories.

We had a family reunion on Saturday. I met up with some of these friends from my past. (Yes, most of my childhood friends were also my cousins). I dreaded going, because as I have told you in the past I hate to “waste” a sunny day, but once there it is always good to hook up with people who share your past. They know what you are talking about when you reminisce. They share your memories. More importantly, they knew you when. You don’t have to “put on the dog” for these folks. They KNOW you. There is something very refreshing about being with people who expect nothing of you but to show up and reconnect because of a blood tie.

My Papa Wallace was one of the Godliest men I have ever known. He and my Grandmother loved their family and that love has held us together for 20 years after their deaths. The family is not perfect. There are a lot of us who are trying hard to live a Christian life; we are looking so forward to walking down those streets of gold with Papa. Yet there are many in the family who don’t get it, or just don’t care. I imagine your family is much the same. The seed is always the same, but the heart determines how it will grow. One of my Papa’s favorite songs was “Walking Alone at Eve”. Maybe when I walk in the chill of the evening he will walk there with me. But whether or not he does I know that there is One who will, if I will just invite Him to come.

Sometimes these trips down memory lane help keep us on the road that is before us. I would never want my Papa to be disappointed in me. I can picture him cheering me and my entire multitude of cousins on. I can’t wait for the family reunion he will be at.

Lord come quickly.

I can't believe its finally Friday! This week has been a year long. Maybe this weekend will not involve anyone being in the hospital. I think if at all possible I am scooting out of here early today. The weather feels like fall. Last night a high school band was practicing where we could here them while playing tennis. Something about this time of year just makes me so excited and so full of anticipation. I hope I can use all of this positive energy in a good way.

I wish everyone a GREAT weekend!!

Most every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I get to the office at around 6:30, after working out (we have a shower here). Before I get in the shower I spend around 30 minutes reading blogs and devotionals. While I read a lot of good stuff and some not so good; occasionaly something will speak directly to me. This morning it was in Joe Cooks’s blog he wrote:

I'm tired of trying to be like Jesus. I can't do it. From now on, I'm just going to relax and let Him live through me. I think that's what God had in mind in the first place.

I had one of those days yesterday where Satan was pushing all my buttons, and I am sorry to say he was succeeding at distracting me. If I wasn’t so busy trying to control everything and was letting Jesus live through me I don’t think Satan’s ploys would work. You know, I didn’t fall off the deep end or anything, I just wasn’t the person that I want to be. There are so many things in this life that are not bad in and of themselves, yet they are not things that make us better people. Today my focus will be Christ living through me. I will try and let my light shine and not get distracted.

Being rejected is never a good feeling. Have you ever felt it? Perhaps you were the member of the team who showed up ready to play, only to find the roster had been completed without you. Maybe you were excited to do something special with your spouse only to find they didn’t feel like it. One of your friends said they would call you early in the day (of course you are assuming a lunch date) and they never call, or call at 4:00 when you are busy trying to get ready to go home. Minor disappointments, not life altering events, but when they all happen in the same day it starts weighing on you.

People who know me, know that I do not lack self confidence. I don’t dwell on negative things or go around with a “woe is me” attitude. But when I had this particularly “rejected” kind of day, it made me think. How do people who have already been beat down in so many ways handle multiple rejections? I know that many of you have felt the rejection of not getting the job you wanted, having your spouse leave you, getting turned down for a home loan or school application. There are many rejections that we face on this earth everyday. Fortunately for us, this earth is not our home.

I think as I went to bed feeling a little sorry for myself God planted this idea in my head. I am so blessed in my life, and truly it wouldn’t matter if all men rejected me, because my Jesus loved me so much He suffered the ultimate rejection for me.

I did have a problem with the new photo blog, it didn't have a template. So I fixed that and it works. But I think I had some help with the blogger support on the inside. That is just too big a coincidence. So helpful tip. Use Blogger Support if you are having problems. They created this whole blog thing. They can fix it.

Another life application; When you just keep messing up more and more ask the One who created you to help.

I have been trying to log on since last night, to no avail. I e-mailed support with my problem and now I am on.... Less than 2 minutes later. Wow! I thought I was going to be smart (well I was smart I just messed up somewhere). I was setting up a new blog just to store my pictures in. Then I could link to my cutie where you could look at him if you wanted to without HAVING too everytime you check my blog. I realize that in YOUR mind there are other babies just as if not more beautiful and I respect your rights to your misguided opinions. Anyway, somehow my tinkering had locked me out at least temporarily, and I still can't get on that photo blog.

This seems to be a re-occuring event in my life. I think I can beat the system, come up with a better way only to find I don't have the complete knowledge to do so. I remember once when I had just started using a computer about 16 or more years ago, I was going to fix a problem by myself and I reformatted my hard drive! That was fun to recover from. I am much better about back ups today, but not perfect. I think we have to be careful with this attitude (we of course means ME) in our spiritual lives. We can't decide we have a better way period, but we need to be sure we KNOW what God's way is to start with. In the C of C we have been so sure that we were right for so long (I mean isn't that what YOU were told growing up?) that we have not studied with the attitude of hearing what God wants us to do. I am so refreshed by our brotherhood finally doing this as a group. I have often thought I was a rebel without a cause because I believed differently. God's grace is so HUGE. We try to limit Him and He cannot be limited. He is the Alpha, Omega, beginning and end. (I am singing the song in my head).

Lord, help me to study and know what you would have me to be and what you would have me do. Guard me from the haughtiness of thinking I know a better way. Forgive me when I am not as humble as I should be. Teach me Your ways more perfectly.

Link here to see my baby getting ready for his first Doctor's visit.

Can you believe he is already a week old! Mary got to go home today, less 10 lbs of fluid she lost while in the hospital. She is still running a little high on the blood pressure, but her lungs are clear! Thank you Lord!

I just can't imagine anything sweeter than this little bundle of joy. He went to the Dr today and is doing great. His Dr said he was perfect, I could have told her THAT!!

Hit some tennis balls last night with two other Grandmothers! Wow, can't believe I am saying that and am PROUD!! We had a great time and some good conversation afterwards.

One of the ladies has been divorced for the last 5 years or so. She was married 32 years and has two grown children. She is so lonely and wants so much to have someone in her life. It's hard to sympathize with others sometimes but I do understand where she is coming from. I know others who have made the adjustment fine and actually enjoy the independence of living alone. I hope and pray I never face that situation, but if I did I think I would be content to be independent as well. What about you? Could you make it on your own?

Click here to see Mary and Matthew on his one week birthday.

You ever heard the whole “familiarity breeds contempt” argument? I remember when I was working at an investment bank in B’ham, two of my co-workers got into this huge debate about what this meant. One argued that it meant if you spent too much time with someone you would begin to feel contempt for them as in lack of respect. The other thought more along the lines of using a chain saw. He said if you got too comfortable using it everyday you might lay back and get hurt. Neither of them would budge on their position even though it sounded to me like they were saying the same thing!!

I have learned to feel both familiarity and contempt for the hospital. I am so used to being there, but I don’t like it at all. We had to admit Mary yesterday. She had fluid on her lungs and was struggling with low 02 levels and elevated blood pressure. Fortunately they let the baby stay with her. Her mom is a RN and is staying with her at night. I am happy she is getting the help she needs and very grateful that such help is available and yet at the same time I don’t like feeling as comfortable as I do in this hospital. But let me just tell you about Matthew. He is thriving on all the love and attention he is getting no matter where he is. He slept great last night and when I left the hospital around lunch time he had his feet propped up in his little basinet, snoozing away. He is so incredibly cute and wonderful. I think that no matter how familiar I get with him I would NEVER feel contempt. Just lots and lots of ooey gooey love.

Well, the worship service with Zoe in Birmingham left me elated. It was just as good if not better as I had built it up to be in my mind. What a blessing for a saturday afternoon! Perhaps I should have read Clarissa's post today about limiting my crying first; it was a wonderful emotional day. Terri and I met Brandon and reunited with Greg Miles, Jim Gregory, and others from Crossbridge. It was a great day.

Speaking of great, my son called me early yesterday and wanted me to come watch Matthew where he could do some errands and Mary could sleep. Seems Matthew was so happy to be home Friday night that he didn't want to waste any precious time with his eyes closed. It was my PLEASURE!! My grandson is so sweet. He loves for me to sing to him, even when it is total nonsense. There is a lot of total nonsense, because I don't remember words to all of those children's songs, no matter, mine are just as good. Mary got 2 or 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep and I got to spoil that baby just a little more.

God is good! Thank you Lord for this sweet baby. Thank you for his and his mother's health. Continue to bless him and keep him safe and healthy. May his Mimi help him to know You. May his life always be a blessing. You are such an awesome God! Let me show my love for you as you would have me to do.