Monday, June 27, 2005
The Assassin
It is amazing how well I can shoot. I was afraid of hitting the main artery in her leg and causing her to bleed to death. That wasn’t what she paid me to do. She just wanted a leg injury where she wouldn’t have to go to war. I hit her just below her knee-cap. From the look on her face she was not anticipating this much pain. Now, I had to disappear without anyone seeing me. That shouldn’t be a problem, after all this was not my first time, I had shot people before. I had never killed anyone and I was being paid, in this case by the person I was shooting, so I really was not having much of a moral dilemma with the whole thing.
As I worked my way back into the crowd (I had to establish an alibi) I ran across someone that I knew. “What is going on?” I asked. She looked at me and a look of enlightenment came across her face. “I know exactly what is going on.” She said. I am sure I had that deer-in-the-headlight look as all of the blood drained out of my face. “What do you mean?” I asked. “I just remembered seeing a bag last night, much like a bag I saw five years ago. At the time I could never put it all together, but now I KNOW.”
She stopped short of making an accusation, but I knew that I had been caught. I knew that the whole story would come out and I would be exposed for the worthless person that I had become.
Fortunately I woke up at this point. I was filled with so much disappointment in myself. How could I not think shooting people was wrong, even if they did pay me! I was relieved to know that I don’t even own a gun, and the thought of me being able to shoot one straight is down right hilarious.
What prompted such a dream? Well yesterday we were talking about our mask we wear to church and how we have become so attached to them that we don’t WANT to lower them and let anyone in. We were afraid how people would treat us if they knew how we really are. I made the bold step of starting with a confession. I told of taking the margarine out of the refrigerator that very morning. But when I opened the lid expecting creamy margarine, I found some left-over substance that had been in the fridge long enough to liquefy and become quite aromatic. (It stank!) I spilled it on the counter and out of my mouth came the pet word that frequents my lips in times of great stress, a word that I really didn’t want to repeat at church, a word that truly qualifies me as a “potty-mouth”. So as I try to be a good example to my husband, instead I slip into the “real me”; The sinful Donna that would be totally and eternally lost without the grace of God, because when things are left up to her she blows it….repeatedly.
The thought that I pulled my mask down for a minute, and not being real sure the ladies liked me after I showed them that part of myself must have been weighing on my mind. This coupled with the fact that I watched the end of Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle before going to bed. I have always related to (OK I am delusional) Demi Moore. She was not a good girl in this movie, and unlike the current day Angels, she used guns.
So maybe my dream will help enforce two important lessons for me;
1. Be careful who you reveal yourself to.
2. Be more selective of role models.
Sweet Dreams folks!
As I worked my way back into the crowd (I had to establish an alibi) I ran across someone that I knew. “What is going on?” I asked. She looked at me and a look of enlightenment came across her face. “I know exactly what is going on.” She said. I am sure I had that deer-in-the-headlight look as all of the blood drained out of my face. “What do you mean?” I asked. “I just remembered seeing a bag last night, much like a bag I saw five years ago. At the time I could never put it all together, but now I KNOW.”
She stopped short of making an accusation, but I knew that I had been caught. I knew that the whole story would come out and I would be exposed for the worthless person that I had become.
Fortunately I woke up at this point. I was filled with so much disappointment in myself. How could I not think shooting people was wrong, even if they did pay me! I was relieved to know that I don’t even own a gun, and the thought of me being able to shoot one straight is down right hilarious.
What prompted such a dream? Well yesterday we were talking about our mask we wear to church and how we have become so attached to them that we don’t WANT to lower them and let anyone in. We were afraid how people would treat us if they knew how we really are. I made the bold step of starting with a confession. I told of taking the margarine out of the refrigerator that very morning. But when I opened the lid expecting creamy margarine, I found some left-over substance that had been in the fridge long enough to liquefy and become quite aromatic. (It stank!) I spilled it on the counter and out of my mouth came the pet word that frequents my lips in times of great stress, a word that I really didn’t want to repeat at church, a word that truly qualifies me as a “potty-mouth”. So as I try to be a good example to my husband, instead I slip into the “real me”; The sinful Donna that would be totally and eternally lost without the grace of God, because when things are left up to her she blows it….repeatedly.
The thought that I pulled my mask down for a minute, and not being real sure the ladies liked me after I showed them that part of myself must have been weighing on my mind. This coupled with the fact that I watched the end of Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle before going to bed. I have always related to (OK I am delusional) Demi Moore. She was not a good girl in this movie, and unlike the current day Angels, she used guns.
So maybe my dream will help enforce two important lessons for me;
1. Be careful who you reveal yourself to.
2. Be more selective of role models.
Sweet Dreams folks!
Comments:
<< Home
Donna, You look different. Oh you changed your template.
Man, you have some great dreams.
Oh, how am I? I'm fine, thanks.
thats my mask.
Man, you have some great dreams.
Oh, how am I? I'm fine, thanks.
thats my mask.
I'm with TL! Go back to sleep so we can all learn what happens next! I thought you were quaoting some novel when I started reading this!
Donna,
Can we all discuss what you said about being careful who you reveal yourself to.
I am not sure that is good advice. It sound safe, but maybe not good. ???
Can we all discuss what you said about being careful who you reveal yourself to.
I am not sure that is good advice. It sound safe, but maybe not good. ???
Tommy,
You are right of course, that is one reason I "confessed" again on this public blog. Until we are willing to expose ourselves we will never form community. We will wait to get close to people only to find it continually right out of our grasp. Maybe part of my strange feeling from yesterday was than no-one recipricated with a failing of their own.
To be open means we will get hurt, but the way I understand it anytime you truly love you risk being hurt. If we are to be like Christ, if we are to develop that love described in the early church, we MUST lose our mask.
But it aint' easy!
You are right of course, that is one reason I "confessed" again on this public blog. Until we are willing to expose ourselves we will never form community. We will wait to get close to people only to find it continually right out of our grasp. Maybe part of my strange feeling from yesterday was than no-one recipricated with a failing of their own.
To be open means we will get hurt, but the way I understand it anytime you truly love you risk being hurt. If we are to be like Christ, if we are to develop that love described in the early church, we MUST lose our mask.
But it aint' easy!
you said, "anytime you truly love you risk being hurt." Wow. That's true. intimacy only happens when (I learned this this year) I allow you in to me see.
Maybe they didn't respond because too often they have been hurt. It may take you leading the way for a while to show them the path is safe. Or maybe their just being southern and thinking "I don't believe I'd told that".
Maybe they didn't respond because too often they have been hurt. It may take you leading the way for a while to show them the path is safe. Or maybe their just being southern and thinking "I don't believe I'd told that".
I had some really strange dreams last night, too....must have been the full night of sleep in my own bed after having my routines out of cycle for a week.
I have really been struggling with the whole honest, open, no mask thing recently. I think because I have realized just how alone I feel, but knowing that I won't lose that feeling until there are people that truly know me at my core.
And then, there is the feeling of opening up to a new someone - and how much to open up, and how soon. I forget that the people that I am the most honest with, that know me and can call me on my crap, have been my friends for anywhere from 6-12 years now. Those friendships are so real, and so comfortable, that sometimes forget how they began! And yet, there are still places deep down in my soul, that are secret even from them.
I have really been struggling with the whole honest, open, no mask thing recently. I think because I have realized just how alone I feel, but knowing that I won't lose that feeling until there are people that truly know me at my core.
And then, there is the feeling of opening up to a new someone - and how much to open up, and how soon. I forget that the people that I am the most honest with, that know me and can call me on my crap, have been my friends for anywhere from 6-12 years now. Those friendships are so real, and so comfortable, that sometimes forget how they began! And yet, there are still places deep down in my soul, that are secret even from them.
Dee,
You are so right! I do tell my ladies group that before we can start to reveal our hurts our struggles and even our sins to each other, we have to know that we can trust each other. Trust is not to be taken lightly. I am sure some of the situations you speak of have to do with the breaking of trust.
It is just that at some point someone has to make the first move. My small revelation is not really a big deal and maybe that is a way for me to stick a toe in the water. However, there are people I would NEVER share that confession with. I could not stand to dissappoint or hurt some of the people who I love, but would NEVER understand!
Thanks for your insights!
You are so right! I do tell my ladies group that before we can start to reveal our hurts our struggles and even our sins to each other, we have to know that we can trust each other. Trust is not to be taken lightly. I am sure some of the situations you speak of have to do with the breaking of trust.
It is just that at some point someone has to make the first move. My small revelation is not really a big deal and maybe that is a way for me to stick a toe in the water. However, there are people I would NEVER share that confession with. I could not stand to dissappoint or hurt some of the people who I love, but would NEVER understand!
Thanks for your insights!
And Jenni,
I too take a long time to get to the point to where I will share with even my closest friends, and yes, I still have things that I haven't shared even with them.
As for new people....Sometimes it is easier to share if they don't know your history....sometimes it just takes time....sometimes it never happens.
Good luck in your new relationship!
I too take a long time to get to the point to where I will share with even my closest friends, and yes, I still have things that I haven't shared even with them.
As for new people....Sometimes it is easier to share if they don't know your history....sometimes it just takes time....sometimes it never happens.
Good luck in your new relationship!
I unfortunately (think) I understand your concerns Dee. I also know that confession, real honest confession (which we are told to do) was not practiced, maybe is still not practice in Churches of Christ. I have learned it to be a very important thing in trying to follow Jesus.
Will I get burned? I am sure I will. Hopefully I will count my sufferings with his.
Maybe the too much is that you should not drag others into your confession. I can take my mask off but I shouldn't bring others into it. But sometimes you have to bring them out as well. Sometimes we are hurt by wrong even criminal actions. Micah says "He has showed you, O man, what is good. "And what does the LORD require of you? "To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
In specific circumstances this is tough. But I still think the more authentic we can be the better. I have nothing to hide, I am a sinner!
Will I get burned? I am sure I will. Hopefully I will count my sufferings with his.
Maybe the too much is that you should not drag others into your confession. I can take my mask off but I shouldn't bring others into it. But sometimes you have to bring them out as well. Sometimes we are hurt by wrong even criminal actions. Micah says "He has showed you, O man, what is good. "And what does the LORD require of you? "To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
In specific circumstances this is tough. But I still think the more authentic we can be the better. I have nothing to hide, I am a sinner!
Great post! As a former preacher, I can say from my experience of being too open, that we have to be careful how much we reveal about ourselves, because it can be used against us. I think it depends on what you have to lose or gain from being completely open.
BTW - I have got a few knee caps I need someone to take care of. :)
Post a Comment
BTW - I have got a few knee caps I need someone to take care of. :)
<< Home
